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Guest Blog: Severance

Guest blogger, Michelle, shares her personal story of her journey as a recently discovered NPE (not parent expected). How it felt to have "half her DNA, family history and sense of self erased in a mere moment". Please note we all have our own voice to share, please respect his words that he has chosen to share with us. Thank you :)

I am a grown up, seriously half a century old. I am well educated and world traveled. I have a beautiful little family with a husband and children I absolutely adore. But here I sit, confused and angry, strangled by sadness, trying to contain and control a hurt so deep inside me I fear I will never be able to fix it.

I am a newly discovered NPE (not parent expected). The memories of my childhood and my family relationships feel tainted now, tainted and twisted by the secrets that one simple Ancestry DNA test exposed. The girl and the woman I used to be no longer exist. Half my DNA, family history and sense of self erased in a mere moment.

So now my new life with my new true self begins and it has been a rocky road thus far. It is a difficult thing to come to terms with the fact that the people most dearest to me, the people I have loved and respected my entire life, lied to me. Lied to me daily and with a smile. You would think that the spoken word "Daddy" must have resonated so loudly and deeply in the place where my mother kept that dark secret hidden. That the father I was raised by must have searched the features in my face endlessly looking for some glimmer of a resemblance to him and what did he feel when he didn't see himself in me? Why did he still love me? He knew of my mother's infidelities so he had to of known that I wasn't his or at least had some serious doubts. I am still mourning the recent death of him, my BCF (Birth Certificate Father) but now I feel like I have a double loss - the father that he was and the father that he really wasn't. I had always hoped my children would inherit tall genes from him or the longevity genes that ran in his family, his family, not my family anymore. Knowing all that I know now - after months of DNA research, talking with long lost relatives, trying to piece together the story surrounding my conception and existence, thinking back to subtle comments made here and there - I wish I had asked more questions while both my parents were alive. I wish I had pushed the envelope a little instead of assuming everything around me was the truth, that the lies they told were my reality. Those lies may have not been malicious in origin, but a lie is still a lie, regardless of its true intentions. My mother denied me the right to know who I really am and where and who I come from. I'm not sure I will ever be able to forgive her and right now I am ok with that.

I love research and I did a lot of it with the help of the most amazing search angel and probable unbiologic adopted sister (that's another story) - submitting additional DNA to various sites, building trees and looking up Facebook profiles. When I decided had the correct family I really never anticipated that they would react in any other way than how I would - welcoming to a new found family member, excited about a new sibling. I assumed since the parents - my potential BF and his wife sadly had both passed (another loss to mourn) - there would be no marriages to destroy, no lives to ruin. We are all adults and are not responsible or to blame for the poor decisions and sins committed by our parents. What I was received with however was scrutiny and suspicion, hang ups and requests to never contact them again. Flat out rejection and it was so painful. Painful to the core of my being. These people are in some way my family - proven by DNA so how and why could they possibly reject me? And why was I allowing rejection from these total strangers to hurt me so deeply? I do want to know the truth about who exactly my BF was and I need their DNA for that, but what else did I really want? What did I hope to gain from contacting them? I have thought about that a ton over the past 6 months and truthfully I must admit that I wanted the perfect fantasy, "we all live happily ever after" ending. I wanted acceptance and acknowledgment, more family - my family, biologically related family to love. I wanted them to want too know me as desperately as I wanted to know them. I wanted the pain of the lies my mother told me to be washed away by their love and affirmation. Sadly that day may never come.

For me being an NPE has created such a devastating feeling of loss and being totally lost - not belonging anywhere and not being understood. My family ties and history severed. I was hoping to reconnect and make family ties with this new and foreign bio family and the door just won't open. Locked by fear, anger, or I don't even know what. I can peek through the window - I see smiling faces, that look just like me, in Facebook photographs. So near yet so far away and unreachable. Time will tell I hope, as secrets can't stay secrets forever. Someday I will get the BF identity confirmation I so severely need. Maybe acceptance will follow or maybe at that point I will be brave enough to move on with out them.

Thank you Michelle for sharing your story with us. Interested in sharing your story? E-mail us, we would love to share your voice too!


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