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Adoption: Myths, Misgivings and Madness

November 6, 2018

Guest blogger, Becca Dragon, from Myths Misgivings Madness shares the story behind her upcoming project. Giving a honest voice to adoptees, if interested in partaking in the project please message here. Please note this is her personal story and amazing project, please respect her journey she has chosen to share with us. 

2 years ago, around this time of year, I mailed in the tube of spit to a big DNA warehouse, and waited.  While I waited, Google with its prophetic online algorithms morphed like the matrix around me. I was catapulted into adoptionland: a sea of materials and resources about adoption that previously I could not even imagine existed.  Birthmom blogs, “Angry adoptees”, adoption activism, groups claiming and elevating being a “bastard”, and hard examinations of the practices of modern adoption. Dredged up from within came all the unformed and often neglected feelings about my own adoption that I had tucked away.  I tucked them away because I just had no context within which to interpret them or make sense of them. So I tucked them away to survive.

 

I was given the DNA test by a friend and fellow cribmate who had spent well over a year looking for her family, and had found no closer than a second cousin.  (Good news, just 2 months ago she found her mother) She had a stack of tests ready for the next possible match on a family tree. I reluctantly accepted it, having resigned myself to just never knowing.  I was a “blacklined adoption”, meaning that even if I got a court to open my record, my original birth certificate has all identifying information literally blacked out, erased forever. In 4 weeks, I had an entire biological family.  Everyone. I found everyone. And as things go as an adoptee, besides excitement, I was also overwhelmed at guilt at having found my family so fast when others are not so privileged.

 

Adoptive parents and Biological Parents have a “before and after” of adoption.  Adoptees do not. We embody, exist in and live through adoption. It is inextricable from our very SELVES.  The only “before and after” we possibly have is reunion. And for those for whom reunion is not possible (and this devastates me) they have only the “before and after” of awakening to self as an adoptee.

 

Make no mistake, there is a large industrial machine with a slick PR campaign that wants to prevent our awakening.  It has informed our social narrative about adoption so strongly that even those completely unrelated to adoption tout its virtues.  Boldly, they will argue in the face of adoptees who dare speak against it. Our awakening to SELF as lived through adoption is the biggest threat to a money making endeavor that not only erases identity and connection, but has serious undertones of saviorism, elitism, and moral superiority.  In its behemoth and monolithic campaign to find more supply for its customers, it has helped to destroy the sacred bond between mother and child, and created a class of people (adoptees) who not only have no rights to their own beginnings and information, but also are expected to be grateful for their own annihilation.  

 

To further this often-maddening state of existence, we are expected to qualify our adoptions as either “good” or “bad”, and never the twain shall meet.  We need to stop qualifying adoption as either “good or bad” or “positive or negative”. Most adoptees hold within themselves both the darkness and light of adoption, entangled in an impossible knot and a life of contradictions.  When adoptees are compelled to pick a SIDE, wholeness and healing become all the more unattainable.

 

I am presently writing a book, called Adoption: Myths, Misgivings and Madness.  In it, I aim to make the adoptee voice central, as told through snippets of their stories and their best “AHA” thoughts regarding their own adoptions and adoption as a whole.  I hope to do some major myth busting, expose the misgivings we hold, and show the madness that so many of us live with.

 

I want to be extremely cautious that I do not create a book that potential adoptive parents, adoptive parents, and the adoption industry can use to reformulate their narratives to their own desired outcomes.  I do not want to give a “how to” do adoption or be an adoptive parent. Instead, I want to remove from that particular part of the triad the haughty notion that there is any holy grail or perfect thing that they can say or do that will remove the experience of being adopted from the adoptee.  

It is time to listen, not strategize.  

 

If you are an adoptee, and you would like to participate in my project, I would love to have you.  Reach out to me @mythsmisgivingsmadness on FaceBook and Instagram or mythsmisgivingsmadness@gmail.com and I will give you more information.  Thank you! 

 A little about Becca Dragon:  Reunited adoptee from Washington DC, now an urban expat in rural Vermont.  Mom to three and wife to one. Renaissance woman and jack of SOME trades, obsessed with religious cults and writing