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*GUEST BLOG FEATURE* "Here I Go Writing About Anger Again..."

Guest blogger, Jen Matthews, from What it's like for Me shares one of her powerful blogs about her experience as an adoptee. For more of her blog pieces please visit her website here. Please note this is her personal experience and contains vulgar lanuage, please repesct her journey she has chosen to share with us.

May 17, 2018

I started seeing a new therapist about 3 weeks ago. I saw her this past week on Tuesday. Wednesday saw me super nauseated in the am. To the point that I came home from dropping off my partner and went right to bed. (I have to add here that we all have been fighting with some sort of bug that is like a roulette wheel of symptoms. He had the nausea on Sunday night.) I slept ALL damn day. I was woken up by the air brakes on the school bus that was dropping my son off. I woke up in high alert mode and got outside just in time to greet him. I ended up feeling like SHIT. Totally guilty. I was beating myself up.. How could I sleep like that? How dare I when there is so much crap to get done around the house?How dare I when my partner kills himself every day to keep the ends semi together?

I really felt bad about myself. I posted about it on a forum and on my (I found a grave) group as well. Nothing but love and support from them. They all said that I shouldn't feel guilty for sleeping. The body needs what the body needs. Etc. To be honest I did feel slightly better by what they said... But still, something was eating at me. Tuesday the same day I saw the therapist, I started a separate profile on FB for adoption related stuff... I sometimes feel overwhelmed by it. every time I want to scroll through my feed to see what my friends are up to I see that, but also LOTS of adoption stuff, s o I felt like I needed to divide things a bit. When I started the new profile, I added some people. One of them was a moderator of a group I'm in. He messaged me and said that I needed to stop sharing my YouTube channel on his page. I was confused by this as I had only shared once, he asked me not to, and I haven't since. In his request, he made the statement that the purpose of his group is to heal the wound of separation between mother and child. I started thinking to myself "HOW CAN IT BE HEALED WHEN SHE IS DEAD?!?" I think this combined with the last 2 questions my therapist asked me... (About Debra being dead) Do you feel cheated? Maybe angry too? Are what triggered my downward spiral on Wednesday. I answered yes to both her questions... and I felt the emotions welling up in me, but I shoved them down like a good adoptee... spiral spiral spiral... Since I woke up, I have been trying to figure out what the hell is going on with me. This afternoon I was reading my facebook feed when a post came about a new adopted family, and how they were so happy and complete now. Without thinking I responded to the post. I am guessing it just triggered me really hard, and I said, "Except you took her away from her mom." Then I moved on... Somehow I was in a group that was called adoption support, but it was PRO adoption. The next post was an expecting mom who said that their family was complete at 3, and they were considering adoption for the 4th child. Well, that REALLY triggered me... I responded with something like, "Well if you do that, you will leave that child always wondering why they weren't good enough to be kept by you like your other 3 children."

I figure if I get her to even 2nd guess herself my job was done. But then I started getting called a troll... reported to the admin, and warned I was going to get kicked out. I replied to some of the comments... I can't remember all the detail. But I think I made some sort of comment about not being able to cure infertility by buying someone else's baby. After that, I was accused of being insensitive to people with infertility... I am sorry... I DO know what that feels like. I have PCOS, and did not conceive for 9 years... You know what? I didn't let it rule my life... Or ruin it, or have my ability to carry a baby define my womanhood. I believe that things happen for a reason, and if I didn't get pregnant, I wasn't meant to. I can not understand IVF treatments. Or worse yet having someone carry a baby for you just so you can get your hands on a newborn. That doesn't change your fertility status... You are still infertile. You just now have a baby, that was someone else's baby... How the hell can you feel good about it... Yet they do. Blissfully ignorant of the fact that they still have to deal with their own issues, and now you will have the issues of a whole other human being to deal with. Babies NEED their mothers. I STILL NEED MY MOTHER... But she's dead, and I never got the chance to meet her. So yea... sorry had to let that out... You see, that is what I am struggling with right now. I had an epiphany when I was being called a troll... I am typically non-confrontational to the max. I am a Pisces after all. :D But when it's adoption stuff... I just say what I feel needs to be said... I really don't do this in any other areas of my life.

My epiphany... I am still angry. REALLY angry. I thought my anger went away when I realized that my mother did NOT choose to give me up. That decision was made for her. By the doctor, and her mother. My grandmother told me herself that she just didn't want to raise another baby. I feel like she was SO selfish! She wouldn't even see me as a newborn for fear she would cave in and take me home. I had been angry at my mom all my life... and now I was able to not be angry at her anymore because it wasn't her decision to relinquish. What I didn't realize till just today... is that I'm still angry. In fact, I am FUCKING PISSED OFF!

I had NO idea I was still angry all these 17 years post-reunion! OMG... I was still in a fog of sorts... but it was a fog of my own doing. My anger was there boiling beneath the surface... like a sleeping volcano. It hasn't erupted yet... but it was probably going to... In a few weeks, years, decades? No one knows... least of all me. What I failed to realize is that it felt SO good to not be angry at my mother anymore... any other anger was just dismissed. I have spent so much of my life being angry, and putting it aside, that I don't know how to be properly angry. Things will trigger me, I get angry, but then it passes... or rather am I just putting it away, dismissing it before it can consume me? As I sit here with this newfound clarity, I am realizing that it seems like that anger has tainted every aspect of my life. I think I wrote my name "Baby girl Bauer" in my grandpap's funeral guest book as a way to scream "FUCK YOU GRANDMA!" just like the picture of my grandfather and my little brother on a Harley with their middle fingers extended. When my partner asked my brother about it, he said, "Oh yea... that's fuck you grandma." WHAT THE HELL SPAWNED THAT? My Little brother was pretty little in that picture... too little to be flipping someone the bird. I am angry because I will now NEVER get closure with her... You know what, I am angry at her for tossing me aside because her pride was worth more than me! Her worry about what the neighbors would think.. When she was the one doing all the thinking about the neighbors. She would sit, drink coffee, and chain smoke while listening to the police scanner so she knew what was going on in the neighborhood... it seems what opinion she was so afraid of was her own! I am pissed at her for deciding she wasn't going to help her daughter raise me. I am pissed at society for being sheep... Whatever happened to adoption being about helping a child in need??? When did it become "I need to parent, so let me buy someone else's kid."? (But only if they are newborn, and the right color for us.) NO ONE ASKED THE KID IF SHE WOULD BE OK WITH ALL THIS! PEOPLE JUST MADE THE DECISIONS FOR HER! I feel like I have been angry all my life... How do I stop being angry... What do I do with this anger? How can I create some vents so that the volcano of anger doesn't just one day destroy everything that matters to me? What do I do? I can't wait until my next appointment with my therapist... She was talking about empty chair therapy. Where I talk to an empty chair as if the person I need to talk to is sitting there... I don't know if it will help... but maybe it will. In the meantime I need to figure out what to do with this anger. I can't be attacking random people on facebook. I am kind of embarrassed. sigh

For the orginial blog post please visit here.


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